They say when you hit 25 you’ll be at the top of the mountain but I feel like slipping too fast to the bottom, you start to realize that it’s not fun to be in your middle twenty and still don’t know what you want to do in life, even if you do… some people say it’s a bless to know such a thing, but for me it’s after generally acknowledge that, its how you start, how do you build your career, what’s your strategies, and how you want every aspect in your life to be balanced and aligned. But everything is just a miss, a complete F*%&^#* MISS!
My Everyday is a new challenge, it’s the fight with my inner self, how I could be dragged into a loop of disappointments that can literally prevent you from waking up, the failures I face with my work and the fact that I didn’t achieve what I’ve planned for, not even close, you start wondering am I not patient enough? they say it’s hard, but how hard is hard? for some reason I always blame myself for everything happening and not happening, I mean who would you blame but yourself, Like no one says how hard it is to be working as a freelancers and want to collaborate with every brand you dream of collaborating with and knocking on every door offering your work and no one getting back to you, over time you start to lose it, doubting yourself and there’s nothing worst than self doubting. Nothing.
Temporarily you get over your shitty thinking self and start to get out of your couch, that morning that became a noon in one flip of Instagram, I make some coffee, open my laptop, nothing here, nothing to talk about, my mind goes________. Then when you finally come up with an idea for a certain post, then the time you spend on creating the content, and after the hard time of reaching that phase, it all goes into thin air after publishing, because simply you don’t have that much followers and your blog doesn’t exist well… for the women that you write for everyday. So at least you need to start somewhere. And I’ve hope!
I finish my coffee with the Tv and the laptop goes to sleep, an hour and I must get my baby brother from school aka my 6 years old son that I take care of most of times, so when he comes I better be done with at least my shooting and my writings, then finalize it before hitting publish when I come back between his eating and doing homework time, indeed that never happens so I’ve to work late if I want to post daily, I don’t know how can working moms multitasking and take care of everything all at once!?
The other thing is that I want to move from my city since forever! Moving to Paris was my dream (still is) but I guess that NYC is the land of opportunities (lame?), beside I want to experience this energetic city, I want to meet new people, I want to go places, to meet intellectual thinking people I want to get it all together, my shit together. I want this hunger of twenties to be fed! I feel like I’m losing all the energy, my energy and dreams starting to fade while getting older, don’t want to still dreaming about that in my 30’s or do it at that age because I think my enthusiasm will be turned off a bit by the time, even if what I think is wrong, I want to live my 20’s in building and exploring, and by living on my couch here not gonna do it for me, plus my best friend is in NYC and that will make it easier for me if I know at least one person there to have all the fun in the world with right! so that’s a plan I’m sticking to!
Every book I read or an inspirational article stumbled upon, they say that in your 20’s you’ll be so stressed out thinking you won’t succeed this life but everything eventually will fall into place, and all I see is if I’m not doing the work everything will actually fall, not but on my head.
I feel like I’m all over the place!!! my mind issss!!! You feel like you want to let it all out because that somehow will relieve you, Am I the only one who’s feeling all of this? Are the twenties mostly like that or Am I the only one at this phase? but what about the women who made it all by their 25! Are they the exception or the rule? sigh…
Beside my working life, everyday’s revolving here around one thing only, pressured by a society, a mother, a family (OH MY GOD do you know what happens at every family gathering!?) all about finding a husband and get married—because I’m 25 and a half and this here considered Late for establishing a family, by 28 you should kill yourself for not knowing how to play the GAME— I mean how to find him!? Is he lost and I have to find him!? if he’s lost why would I make him come back to senses and find his way back, does he needs guidance and I suppose to be his mentor/babysitter or what!? is there any instructions for that matter? so should I pursue this and free my time to find a man?
I don’t need to get married, but I want to AT SOME POINT and there’s a big different, my work life and my personal life should be aligned and not only because my work is pressuring me right now (or I pressure myself) that I’m forgetting about this matter, though I really believe that I should forget about it because seriously how I’d be looking for one? that’s absurd for me, I think that is the only thing that will fall into place on it own, but the whole world won’t let you forget about not being married, and the pressure could come from every place with a dialogue like:
Why are you not married till now? Can you answer this? I mean why do think I’m not married ha? Oh you serious about your question, Ok! Let’s see… I’m not married because I’m focusing on my career at this time of my life, is that good for you, are you intimidated by me now or you think I’m crazy! ARE YOU A FEMINISM? —I knocked him down.
or Are you against the idea of being married, if you say so and believe in that, so yes I am. —0:2 for me.
or some could get you better with ohhh so do you think about your projects rather than being married? Actually yes, but… What do you work in this time? And why you’re not working as an architect? because I want to work in fashion, actually I’ve this blo…? AHH in fashion, wow, so you want to be a fashion designer! Em…. —Absolutely I lose.
You have no idea how many people doesn’t know anything about this field, and that’s fine for me but don’t come and brag please! K babe! Moving on…
And if you’re wondering how all of that could affect my weight well…. I’m eating a lot and getting fatter by hour, I’m eating donuts for lunch, and that could be fun for one day but this is now my daily diet, I’ll have a sugar attack very soon and I don’t mind it!
I said I’ll start working out from home but that happened almost once, BUT I started today eating less sugar and including nuts on my diet, substitute my cookies for my coffee time with nuts, I’m not crazy about the thing but it’s a step forward, I mean It’s only two pairs of jeans that doesn’t close on me right now ans I know that by summer I’ll be juaaaaaaaast fine.
…And now I’m watching Nothing Hill and before that was Crazy Stupid Love and those shitty romantic moments can makes you cry, damn I love romantic comedy movies, somehow it gives you a short time hope, don’t know why and how.
Hmm, I’m done, for now, meet you another time! Kisses.