I recently became that woman who’s so stressed over everything, calling myself lazy all the time even when I’m working hard, blaming myself on everything and anything and the only word that comes to my mind is, whom to blame but yourself ha?
I pushed myself to the limits when I recognized that I cried the other night only because I thought that the reason that I didn’t reach the point where I want my work to reach is that I’m not capable enough to do what I do for my working life on the blog now, and that is my ladies is the worst lied that I convinced myself with and actually believed it.
I was talking to my best friend, not showing any weak feelings and trying to have a normal fun talking when suddenly I just collapsed after hearing her having a small catch up with a dude in her building while I’m on the phone with her, that she is also not feeling so good and asking him, do you have a purpose in life?
After ending the threesome short conversation that he had no idea about I collapsed on the phone and I didn’t know whether my ugly crying came from my unstable hormones or the fact that I knew that I’m not the only one who’s feeling that anxious and unproductive in general life that causes the self loathing that I was in—like you’re seeking something and working on it but nothing seems to justify it. It’s a mess, and going completely out of line when you think that’s likely every bad thing happened on this earth you’ve had a hand on and you just can’t forgive yourself for such thing.
What he said was very touching to me because I felt like my friend wasn’t describing her shit but mine, and he just stopped her with “Why you’re being so hard on yourself?” and that actually is the only thing that didn’t cross my new-crazy mind.
Then I started to think about it and actually think clearly not like Mr. Potato from Toy Story, that everyone is in the same thing in this life, everyone want the same thing— to be fulfilled and to be happy, fulfill what you’ve always dreamed of, the financial security, the dream job you want, and the relationships you want with your family, friends and surroundings, creating a life with a husband and kids. Everyone is searching for this everyday in every city in this world and trying to reach it. So why you’re taking this hard on yourself when everyone else is feeling the same and waking up doing whatever they have to do reach that happiness.
Or in the other hand, you forget what you’re doing and why, and what’s your purpose and just live by.
I found that finding yourself aware of it all and having the courage to confess that you’re not good at something, then have the courage to change that pattern cause a lot of us don’t have the courage to change it even if you know you have it, however if you can’t change it alone then have the support from your family and friends to help you. face your emotions and make it clear for you! and that’s power ma lady.
Evolve with the idea of imposing yourself to confess the truth of your doing everyday, realizing what you did the whole day and confronting yourself with everything you did today whether its good or bad, learn and evolve, that’s the reason of success for me till I find another one.
When I look at the bright side of my work that I thought I didn’t accomplish anything about, I found myself thinking of the whole picture, telling myself, You did this site from nothing, you didn’t know anything about any of it! I’ve never even took any courses for it! You didn’t know what’s programming or buying a server is, you set a blog, bought a theme and set up the program then coding the theme to do fun stuff at your blog. Then design a logo and searching the photo sizes, and know the new things that your theme could do and not do and install plugins for the stuff you need it to do and then when everything goes to live, you create a blog post, take the photos you need, edit it and write the content and feel so satisfied of the whole process because you’ve never saw this idea before and this is all made by you, and you should be proud of yourself.
I think if you can relate you could do this and pick yourself out of it because even if you think you’re not moving though you’re doing at your job everyday, on the long run you’ll be surprised by what you’ve accomplished already, taking yourself out of the self loathing road and not letting you forget the fact that you’re doing it because you want to do it because it makes you feel happy. As simple as that.
I wrote a relax note on my Instagram before I sleep yesterday and woke up this morning with more energy than ever, treating myself better and paying attention to the little details that will make a different for myself to feel happy, like having a time for myself when I woke up today and doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but reading blogs and watch Tv on background.