I feel like I don’t wanna work anymore, I feel shit, and I feel like I don’t have any goals in my life.
My weekends feelings doesn’t end at the weekend, I wake up every day as I can call myself the laziest person on earth, and I try and try to wake up early with different methods but nothing change the feeling, oh the feeling….
The feeling of why I’m doing this? The non-self awareness that I have, why I still didn’t reach what I want to reach in this life. Why is it so difficult, I know it would be hard work, but whatever I do seems to not work. Or what I realize with you right now, that I never worked enough neither on myself, nor my ideas; to reach what I want. It’s like what my friend always says to me, it’s a 1+1 equation; if you worked hard enough, you’ll gain what you want, it has to be this way.
The feeling of suffocation because your voice has never been reached out to people like you’ve always imagined; that you know deep deep down inside that someone will be interested in. Talking with women about any and everything, gathered to be provoked because of an idea! —to communicate… about intriguing subjects that I could deliver to you, can you feel how powerful that is!?
But I don’t believe in myself that much, not at the time, always doubting myself is the thing I’m an expert in. That can give you the suffocation feeling on a speed train. You never will be able to do what you think you’re capable of, and the world starts to become a desert. You can’t breathe because of the idea, the idea of loneliness, your voice isn’t heard so you’re countless. I mean why? Why to reach the darkest places or go near of this right? However, I don’t like burning myself out but at the same time I live the feeling somehow, you know, like you wanna cry/ be desperate/ experience it, do it, give it all the time. It’s not a good thing to say but it’s the way it is.
I think that leads to becoming who I am after all, the experience, this is the legacy that I’m building, that you carry within you that is reflecting on my everyday thoughts here in the blog; my style and everything that I believe in, it shows you know, in every single detail.
Although I give myself the time to cry about it, I’m becoming aware of the fact that It’s about time to move, to see the different. I wanna experience more, I wanna see what I never saw before; that will doubt all my shakable believes and makes me question myself more. I’ve been afraid of such moves and this feeling dragged all the other stupid feelings that I’m truly familiar of now, weakness, guilt, laziness…etc. All framed in suffocation and hopeless mornings, but digging deeper to face them all.
To acknowledge what you feel is an inevitable blast, to face it, is power. I’m facing it all with you right now. Yesterday I wasn’t feeling anything but suffocation (what I meant about non-self awareness). Somehow I didn’t want to feel anything. It’s the place that I let my mind hide all the feelings from me. I made it do that, to forget about what I feel. Even if I’m sitting alone; I can be capable of not thinking of any— which I can also describe as the numbness feeling, not all the time though— and sometimes I can take it all. You start to feel that you’re old enough to know what can do what to you. You become more friendly of the dip shit feelings and face it better with time, and learn; as we’ll always gonna be en route of experience.
It all starts from waking up, set up your mind, step out of bed and do what you gotta do, give it all, and wait.